August 30th 2019 was a sunny afternoon. I woke up with the sun beaming on my face. I grabbed my phone and scrolled trough my SNS like I always do to see what’s on the news, and check out what my friends are up to. I scrolled through ig and saw one of my friend’s post. It was an Ad from this big company that we all know. I am not going to name the company. I clicked on the provided link, and looked through what they were selling. The prices were too good to be true! It was really cheap for the brand itself. I would say that I stayed on the website for at least 30 minutes. Then the time came where I was about to check out the items that I’ve added to my cart. But as soon as I try to pay for it, I felt something was off since the mode of payment that they were accepting was only paypal. I did not have paypal, so I did not have any other way of checking the items out, though I have already entered my name, address, email, and contact number. Another weird thing was I could not delete the information that I have entered, so I have to close down the entire website and never came back. I reached out to my friend on sc who posted the Ad on ig. My friend said that the account was h-cked, and could not access it for a couple of days. My friend had to ask for help in their school’s IT department, but the account was fine now. As soon as I read my friend’s message, I started to get chills. I was scared for my life, and I did not know what to do. I was just using a hoax website. I do not know what other information they got from me. I started to overthink... I changed my passwords, locked all my cards, and secured all my SNS. I was just worried with the address, and phone number taken from me. I have not ate breakfast nor lunch that day, and lost appetite for the rest of the day. My mind was all over the place. I could not sleep that night, thinking that something wrong was about to happen. That night, I only had about 30 minutes of sleep. Good thing it was summer, so we did not have school. Sleepless nights, constant overthinking, loss of appetite, detachment to reality, extreme sadness, and losing touch with my friends extended for more than a month. I was very irritable, and can easily cry in an instant. I’ve noticed that my weight was changing, so I’ve noticed that something was already wrong with me. I was not okay. People around me was used to seeing me joyful and happy all the time, but no one ever noticed or spoke to me about it. Sad thing is, my parents did not even notice that something was wrong with me. Good pretender, aye? The phenomenon kept ongoing for two months, and kept it all to myself. I would act as if everything was fine, until a teacher approached me and said “Hey, I see that you’re not very smiley lately”. At that moment when I heard him say that to me, I did not know how to respond. I just smiled at him. I rushed to the restroom, preventing my tears from falling, but I could not help it. I cried, and was touched to what he said, it means a lot to me. He was the very first person who noticed that I was not okay. I still kept everything to myself for the next month, but this time I was having extreme suicidal thoughts. I tried to divert my attention to what I used to enjoy doing, but I do not enjoy the activities anymore. Everyday I was thinking about taking my own li/fe. I was aware that I was not okay. It was very unhealthy to me. I would have mental breakdowns in the shower... Until two companies blasted an email for their users stating this and that problem. I started to overthink even more. I was losing weight significantly, my parents did not even notice. I was also staying away to my friends, and never asked for help. December came, and I was still suicidal. I had very few days to fix myself, since my flight to the Philippines was fast approaching. I was still experiencing everything, and had anxiety attacks. It was very horrible, and decided to take melatonin every night. It was not helping me. I was considering to book an appointment with our school psychologist, but everything was full and did not have my availability. I wanted it to be discreet. Again, I was left with myself... and the internet. I was not reading negative news, because I know that it will affect me, so I decided to watch reality shows. Days waiting until our flight to the Philippines, I was still feeling the same, but I still kept a smile on my face and tried to hide what I was going through. I faced my relatives in the Philippines without them knowing what was going on with myself. I cherished every moment I was there, thinking that what if this might be the last time that I get to be with them? I was thankful that I see smiles on their faces, and hear laughters almost everyday. I felt like I was home, it felt like it was truly my home. I would say that I was healed in the Philippines. I still had some episodes in the Philippines, but it was not worse than what I used to experience a few months before that. I enjoyed my time there, especially our out of the country trip where I learned so much. I am very thankful to my cousin who organized that trip, I honestly could not thank her enough. I genuinely smiled and laughed throughout that whole month of stay. I came back to America feeling better, but I would still experience some anxiety here and there especially during this pandemic. It has been a year since I experienced darkness. I hope in the future, I would feel better and be genuinely happy. I hope to live life to the fullest. I have learned my lesson, and I hope you learned something from the blog entry as well.

Happy September! 

September is Suicide Prevention Month*

Stay safe!

xo,

rj